The people nearest and dearest to you aren’t always rainbows and sunshine, but sometimes your significant other’s behaviour should set off alarm bells.
When we think about the term narcissist, we might conjure up images of a person who is overt in the way that they present themselves, making it clear to see who is and who isn’t a narcissist.
But it’s a lot more complex than that.
According to a toxic relationship recovery coach called Christina who runs the YouTube channel Common Ego, there are 12 red flags to be wary of.
If you spot them, it might be time to have a conversation or make a difficult choice about ending the relationship.
She said: “They gaslighted, manipulated you, told you that you were too much and not enough in the same breath.
“And the worst part? They left you questioning whether they were right.”
However, by following the 12 signs of what you’ll see early on in the relationship leading to further on down the line, she shared how you can realise that they are wrong about you and how to break free.
They love bomb you
‘The love bomb phase, aka the too good to be true phase’, is ‘unlike anything you’ve ever experienced’ as they bombard you with praise and affection constantly.
But it’s not genuine.
It can be hard to figure out if you’re really being manipulated as you try to brush off your fears, but Christina says that they are using ‘flatter to get what they really want’ from you, which is typically your affection.
They mirror you
Mirroring is an act of essentially copying another person’s mannerisms, the way they talk and take on their personality of their own as a way to appear more likeable.
Or as though they have a connection with you like no other person.
Christina says: “Every interest you have becomes their passion. That childhood story you thought no one would understand, suddenly it feels like a shared experience.”
For a narcissist, it’s a way to force a connection.
They press fast-forward
A big thing that’s typical in this type of dynamic, is when your relationship goes from 0 to 100 right away.
You just met but now you’re moving in together, are planning a wedding and now want children together.
While it might feel like you’ve met your true love within two weeks, it’s unlikely to be the case.
Christina warns that it’s their way to get their hooks into you so that you can’t break the connection easily.
They’ll put you down using jokes
Being made fun of isn’t nice for anyone, particularly if it’s coming from your spouse.
But Christina notes that this is all part of the ‘devaluation stage’ where your partner may begin to tell you what they really think about you and disguise it as a joke, leaving you feeling unsure of how to react or feel.
Christina says: “There’s a whole lot of plausible deniability behind this one. They can just say, ‘Oh, it was just a joke, I didn’t mean it.’
“Narcissists often use humour to test your boundaries. Give them an inch and they will take a mile.”
They have double standards
While they might ‘grill you’ on what you did with friends or ‘why you took so long’ to text back, they won’t allow you to do the same to them.
The expert then shared that they’ll use this to isolate you from those you love as you try to keep the peace.
They have a victim complex
While they might always need something from you or need more and more kindness from you when they feel down, it’s actually due to playing the victim and stealing your effort and time.
Christina said: “The problem here is when the sunk cost fallacy comes into play. You think about all the time you invested in helping this person, and if you walk away now all that time was for nothing.”
They begin gaslighting
Now, you’re deep into the ‘devaluation phase’ where it happens so gradually, that you probably won’t even notice.
Unfortunately, it gets so bad that you feel like you’re going crazy and have to prove that what happened…happened.
Christina said that this might be their goal, to make you feel crazy and that you’re lashing out at them when you double down on your side of the story.
They attack your feelings
They’ll tell you that you’re ‘too sensitive’ or that you’re ‘feeling something that you’re not’, as a way to make you feel insane. This could mean telling you you’re angry or jealous when you’re actually not.
Christina says: “No one has the right to tell you what or how much to feel.”
They re-write history
Re-writing history is something that Christina says is part of a narcissist’s gaslighting arsenal, where they will poke the bear to see how they can make you react and then tell you that you reacted over nothing and that you attacked them instead.
They are entitled
According to Christina, ‘any narcissist who doesn’t get their way is going to throw a fit’.
Christina says: “When you don’t give them something they think is rightfully theirs, they’re going to punish you.”
They lack empathy
Now, while this is a complex and controversial topic, Christina believes that a lack of empathy is something that she sees often, and it’s not something you want to be around.
They are jealous
Whether this is because someone looks better than them or is more successful than them, they can be jealous of anything and anyone.
Christina says: “When someone else is ‘winning’, the narcissist may go out of their way to sabotage that person. It could be something as simple as bad mouthing someone at a party because they look better or are getting more attention.”
While narcissism is something that you need to watch out for, it is a personality disorder that a person might not be aware of the pain they are inflicting.
So maybe approaching your exit with feedback is a good idea to drill it into them.
