Although you might be wondering why it took so long to realise when the penny finally drops, working out whether someone is a narcissist or not can be quite a tricky task.
Picking apart the behaviour of a relative, friend, or romantic partner isn’t exactly the most attractive activity, but it’s a necessary evil if you want to protect yourself.
But hopefully, these seven major red flag traits explained by an expert on the subject will help you spot whether you’ve got a narcissist in your midst.
BACP counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin warned that keeping someone like this in your circle could ultimately cost you your ‘sanity and even your life‘, so giving them the boot will be a great benefit.
The expert warned that sticking by a narcissist doesn’t usually end well (Getty Stock Images)
“Narcissists erode a person so that they no longer recognise themselves; victims may become depressed and mentally and physically ill, often resorting to drugs, alcohol, disordered eating and similar, to cope,” she told Metro.
“They do not have a conscience, so the best thing to do is to cut your losses and ties, where possible, and rebuild.”
This is why she has urged people to take ‘heed of the early signs’ of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) when they show up, explaining you will only suffer ‘much more damage’ in the long run while also wasting your time.
So if you’re concerned that someone might be a narcissist, take a look at these warning signs the therapist says you need to be on alert for.
Shifting the blame
If someone refuses to take responsibility for their mistakes and manages to pin the blame on everyone else for their problems, Margaret reckons it’s a major red flag.
She explained that narcissists typically leave ‘a trail of destruction’ in their wake and tend to adopt a victim mentality about what has happened in their life, rather than being accountable for their own actions.
The founder of The Grace Project said: “They may volunteer that they are flawed because of trauma and neglect and as a result did things they are not proud of.
“And, while some of this may be true, it is smoke and mirrors.”
Blindly loyal supporters
Narcissists might not be nice people to be around, but they tend to be surrounded by a posse of loyal followers who they have managed to manipulate.
As people with the mental health condition crave attention and admiration, they keep those who they have convinced to serve their needs close by – however, you shouldn’t feel too bad if you’ve been conned into this.
Margaret believes ‘everyone can be hoodwinked by a narcissist’, especially if they hold an important place in your life.
She explained it is often ‘simpler to ignore the facts and believe the narcissist’s version of events’ for a lot of people.
So, if you notice that a certain someone is always in the company of people who ‘actively protect and advocate’ for them – even when they are in the wrong – it could be a sign they are a narcissist.
Saying what you want to hear
The counsellor explained that narcissists are pretty nifty at painting themselves in a different light, so their behaviour can often go from one extreme to another.
“Part of the alchemy of a narcissistic relationship or environment is that as you feel something is not right, you will be love-bombed or publicly congratulated or acknowledged,” Margaret noted. “This can be very destabilising.”
At the end of the day, they’re not daft – and as the expert points out, ‘the quicker they can gain access to your life, family, bank account, apartment, the earlier they can drop the act’.
She added: “Narcissists read enough about how to be spotted in order that they get ahead of the game, so they may say they themselves have been narcissistically abused and feign empathy and remorse – all the things they know you want to hear.”
Narcissists want to isolate you and often stir the pot to create a distance between you and your loved ones (Getty Stock Images)
Stirring the pot
If someone seems to always be stirring up trouble, beware – as you could have a narcissist on your hands.
Margaret explained that these people will often pit you against others with the goal of isolating you from your nearest and dearest, subsequently making them the most important person in your life.
The counsellor warned people to be wary if you notice that a person makes comments ‘about others to influence how you treat them’, which will inevitably create a distance between you and your loved ones.
“For example, they might say that their brother doesn’t like you and thinks you’re a gold digger,” Margaret continued.
“This is so you will be wary of the brother and not have any meaningful connection.”
Bending the truth
If telling fibs comes a bit too easy to someone, it could be a huge sign that they are a narcissist.
We’ve all told a few white lies in life, but honesty is the best policy – and if someone can spit out a cock and bull story at the drop of the hat or sell you a fantasy, it might be time to show them the door.
Obviously, determining whether they are deceiving you can be quite difficult, but once you get to the bottom of it, Margaret believes it should be a case of one strike and they’re out.
She reckons their lies will only grow bigger and bolder, so there’s no point in wasting your time.
“They are brilliant imitators of a decent person. But eventually, you will catch them out,” the counsellor added.
They are often very image-based (Getty stock photo)
Control
People with narcissistic personality disorder have plenty of tricks up their sleeve to keep their power over you, ranging from love-bombing to gaslighting.
Margaret believes that for most of them, there isn’t such thing as going too far – so their tactics can be very troublesome.
“They may become aggressive or violent, or sulk and guilt trip you,” she explained.
Whether they opt for flattery or inducing fear, narcissists will do pretty much anything to continue exercising control over you, so it’s best to head for the nearest exit if you pick up on a person displaying this behaviour.
Creating a facade
It’s not exactly unusual to adapt your behaviour when you’re in front of different audiences, but if a person is obsessed with playing up to the crowd, there could be a bigger problem at play.
Margaret explained that narcissists are ‘obsessed with image’ and will only allow their mask to slip when certain people are around – but otherwise, it’s all for show.
The counsellor said: “When no one else – or no one considered important enough – is watching, they begin to reveal their true self.
“Make note of how they treat junior staff – do they greet, acknowledge, and enquire after them when equal or senior colleagues aren’t there to see? Do they speak to you in private in a way they would never in front of an audience?”
Only you know what goes on behind closed doors – but if you relate to the contents of this article a bit too much, it sounds like you’ve got a narcissist in your life that you need to get rid of.